Hi....I'm John....and I am a
recovering church-oholic. I'm currently
progressing forward in my recovery. These reflections are
further helping me
toward that goal, and also are written to possibly help anyone
else who is
on the same pathway.
I started attending church way back when I was a fetus. My
father is an
ordained minister/preacher, and starting from when I was
enjoying those nine
months of womb-service, all through childhood and into my teens,
I was
constantly surrounded by hymns, baptisms, communion, bibles,
sermons, and
everything that has to do about church, while spending most of
my waking
life in church. Both my two brothers and I were even all named
after
bible characters. My dad actually started several churches that
are today
large thriving church congregations, while all during the
birthing stages of
these churches, he would be there constantly preaching away,
twice on
Sundays, Wednesday nights, and maybe another night or two during
the week.
Of course, all of us kids usually would also be along with him
for most of
these services as well.
Now when I was a kid, I had no say as to if I wanted to go or
not. I just
went along when they told me it's time for church again. But
when I got
older, into my teens, I got into that rebellious time pretty
heavy, that may
be an under statement! At that time, I still went, but almost
had to be
dragged there kicking and screaming, and then sat way in the
back, and
before the next breath could be taken after the closing prayer,
whoosh...I
was out of there faster than road runner.
About one week after my high school graduation I left home to go
to a
trade school several hours away down in Ohio. During my time
there, only
less than two years, was I actually away from attending church.
But that
didn't last long, because while I was in school there, I had an
incredible,
life changing encounter with Christ that caused me to see him in
a new way.
No longer was God just some thing always mentioned in church
that seemed so
distant, but he then became very personal and revealed his
awesome love for
me. At that time I began intense bible study and loved to read,
talk and be
with anyone else who also had this living relationship with God.
This new
awakening also led to something else.....I started to go to
church again!
Although this new church I was a part of was extremely
different, filled
with lots of young, ex-druggies, mostly barefoot and lots of
hair
everywhere!
After my graduation there, I moved out west where I worked for a
Christian ministry and got involved in another church. This one
was not so
much a hippie church as it was an old fashioned little country
Pentecostal
one. I was involved in both teaching and in worship music team.
Then again
after several more years upon moving back to the Chicago land
area, the same
thing, this time a good old AG church (as the old AG people
called it) and
continued week after week in ministry, in church. After about
nine years
there, my wife and I ended up at a very intense charismatic
church, where I
became one of two associate pastors, and was very heavily
involved in both
in depth bible teaching and worship leading.
By this time I had become a full-fledged churchaholic!
Completely
addicted! Even though I had a relationship with God, loved both
him and his
word, loved the people I served and tried my best to flow in an
authentic
real live growing church, there was things drastically wrong! I
lived and
breathed my whole existence within a micro-Christian sub-
culture called
churchianity. I had Christian music, Christian TV, Christian
magazines,
Christian friends, heck; I love jazz, so I even had to find
Christian jazz!
I used the Christian yellow pages directory when I needed to buy
something.
All the time I spent in church was always sacred, no problem
there,
except when you realize that I considered all the time I spent
elsewhere
away from the church was SECULAR! God could only be found
properly there in
church, oh he was there all week as well, but it seemed that he
wasn't
really listening like we knew he always did in church. This
twisted theology
was not always preached from the pulpit, but in many cases it
certainly was
implied. Church became my refuge, my only place where I could
sense the
sacred and really fellowship with God and other Christians. I
became a
church junkie (you could tell by my tracts)
God knew that it would take something big to break me out of
this, and he
came through! I had a grace awakening in the latter half of 2001
which blew
my world apart, and continues to do so today. Maybe that's why
Steven Curtis
Chapman once wrote a book entitled,” Speechless-Living in God's
Disruptive
Grace" This God-sent grace awakening shattered my life as a
Pharisee (see
my cyber study, " Reflections of a Recovering Pharisee), it
reshaped my
understanding of God's grace, (see my " a View of Grace"), and
it literally
caused me to trash nearly all of my previously held theology and
start again
almost from scratch.
My grace awakening broke my addiction to church! That may sound
odd, but
I believe it is true. Did I quit going to church? For a while,
yes. I
resigned my position as pastor, and my wife and I embarked into
a new
direction and much needed change of life! Phillip Yancey writes
about his
frustrations and similar journey in some of his books like,
"Soul Survivor -
How I survived the Church" and "Church- why Bother?” I also came
to the
same conclusion as he writes, “I left the church because I found
so little
grace there, but I came back because I found it nowhere else".
Upon my church departure, although I was occasionally visiting a
few
other churches, I was resigned to the prospect of quitting all
together and
possibly just starting a home Bible study down the road. However
God, in his
providence, led us to a fellowship, a community....dare I say
CHURCH.....where things are vastly different. It's the same
Lord, the same
Bible, with the same basic beliefs, but the ministry style, the
mindset and
the entire leadership seem to be going just where we wanted to
go, without
all the extra church baggage that usually follows. Where they
were going
seemed to be simply following God's grace! Wow, what a concept!
To let God make
the moves and we follow Him without trying to over control and
manipulate
everything and everybody along the way. Things were vastly
different also
because maybe I had become different too. We became part of a
community of
Christ-followers who don't put God in a box, who believe in
excellence in
the arts using state of the art technology and gifted people, a
community of
genuine, real ragamuffin people who attempt to live every moment
bringing
heaven into the real world. Only a few years before, I would
have quickly
written off a group like this! They would be deemed shallow,
worldly, and
compromising Christians. It’s funny how grace changes your
twisted thinking!
Well, that's my story in a nutshell. Recently, I was pondering
these
thoughts while sipping coffee in a Starbucks, and decided to be
more
specific in what it was that we escaped, and what it was that we
embraced. I
know that up to this point I have been very general about
"church" and
speaking of it that way, although it is not really "church" I am
against,
because I am flowing in one now. So to try to bring out the
specifics of the
things that frustrated me and fueled my church addiction, I got
busy and
wrote them down, one by one on a napkin that day. It helped my
healing
process, and hopefully it can help someone else reading this on
a similar
path. This is in no way an indictment on any one church/pastor,
but rather
intended about churches in general, and some things that can
easily be
practiced when people and churches drift away from grace.
TEN THINGS I ESCAPED FROM, AND
BY GOD'S GRACE, WILL NOT RETURN TO AGAIN
1. CHRISTIAN GOBBLEDYGOOK
This is also known as "Christianize". It is the constant chatter
of
Christian code words like,” hallelujah”, “amen”, “Praise the
Lord”, “Praise God”, and
”Thank you Jesus”. All these words/phrases have their place, but
when we are
dealing with the world of un-churched people, we need to be
speaking more
like real down to earth people with whom they can relate to. If
we walk
around constantly mouthing these things, it's no wonder that we
are
considered religious fanatics and people will not listen to
anything we have
to say as worthwhile. Again, I am not mocking or putting down
any of this type
of talk, only its overuse and abuse within day to day normal
living. Some
people begin to use it so much that these words like,
“hallelujah” and “amen”,
actually take the place of "ahhh" and "uhmmm". That is silly,
that is
gobbledygook.....look it up!
2. BEING ENTRENCHED IN A CHRISTIAN SUBCULTURE
This means not only speaking gobbledygook, but having every
aspect of one’s life
smothered within a Christian sub-culture complete with a
Christian copy of nearly
everything the world has. Things like, Christian schools,
Christian TV, Christian music, Christian movies, Christian
resorts,
Christian comedy clubs, Christian coffeehouses, and the list
goes on and on.
It's funny that Jesus never lived his life in such a bubble. He
surrounded
himself with twelve questionable fishermen and tax gatherers,
and then got a lot
of criticism for hanging out with prostitutes and many other
sinners and very
worldly people.
3. HYPER-SUPER SPIRITUALITY
This is the idea that Christian workers are in a military type
hierarchy where some are
mere privates, corporals, and all the way up to the higher level
commanding
generals. The idea is 'Onward Christian Soldiers"! The
generals...usually
the head pastor and his sidekicks, have to be up front, speak
the loudest,
pray the longest, command more respect, and constantly show how
intense they
are by sacrificial giving, working and serving. Of course
everybody lower
than them (which is everyone else), seeks to somehow, some day
attain to that
high level of commitment and spirituality. One of their favorite
scriptures
is anything relating to Moses, who was God's spokesman and
number one man
among God's people, and anyone who had a problem with him was
zapped! But
what they fail to understand is the difference between the
old/new
covenants. Today we also have a number one, top general
spokesman for
God.....his name is Jesus, and he is the head of the church
body! These
hyper-super spiritual people also tend to over-spiritualize just
about
everything. Every illness, every problem, every decision must
have some
intense spiritual cause or application, and if we don't see it,
then we must
not be living right. This is not any kind of spirituality but
hogwash,
(another technical theological term).
4. BEING SO HEAVENLY MINDED THAT YOU ARE NO EARTHLY GOOD
Being a hyper-super spiritual believer who speaks Christian
gobbledygook within a
Christian sub-culture leads to being heavenly minded....but of
very little earthly good!
(This point is possibly redundant, but I needed a fourth point!)
Biblical characters who
come to mind with this condition are Job's three friends in the
book of Job.
They were all very articulate, highly intelligent and very
knowledgeable
about God. But Job called them "miserable comforters" (Job 16:2,
3) later
God asks,” who is this who darkens counsel by words without
knowledge?" (Job
38:2) Very heavenly minded, but of no earthly use! Know anyone
like that? I
do. New Testament counterparts would be the Pharisees.
5. HAVING ZEAL WITHOUT DEPTH
We must be very careful not to equate outward zeal and
enthusiasm with spiritual maturity. Sometimes they do go
together...but often they don't, we must not become fooled. Once
again the
Pharisees come to mind, (why do I relate to them so well?). No
one was more
zealous and enthusiastic for the kingdom of God in every way
than the
Pharisees. Yet Jesus and John the Baptist seemed to be the only
ones not
fooled by them, and both exposed them as frauds and hypocrites.
Other nice
names Jesus called them were, whitewashed tombs and brood of
snakes...anyone
come to mind?
6. THINKING WE HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS
Job's miserable comforters again, but in our postmodern society
today, they
mostly thrive in churches as pastors and teachers. While there
are many clear
cut biblical answers to some problems, there are also many that
are not so
clear, and rather than over-spiritualizing them, or pretending
to be dogmatic
on answering everything, perhaps a better response would be, "
wow, you know
there really is no clear answer on that in the bible that I know
of, rather
than me just speculating, how about we just pray about that for
now?". Or
another route would be to refer questions to another more
qualified,
especially if they warrant professional help such as in
counseling.
7. TALKING HEAVY AND LISTENING SOFTLY
There are an abundance of scriptures, in both the old and new
testaments,
that warn against this all too common trait. In any area of life
it is
unwise to be a heavy talker/soft listener, but especially for
those in
church leadership! When you look closely at the book of Job,
although he
asks a lot of questions and becomes very frustrated, Job never
curses God
like he was advised to do. In fact, about the only thing that
you can see
that job was guilty of was this heavy talker/soft listener
syndrome. He
finally gets a clue later when God shows up and he says, "I used
to talk
a lot, but now I'll shut up!" (paraphrased) Timeless advice for
all of us!
8. EQUATING BIBLE KNOWLEDGE WITH SPIRITUAL MATURITY
This is a very common problem both in churches and in the world
as well.
There is nothing wrong with education and acquiring knowledge
about the
bible. I love to study, and even have been accused of being an
information
junkie (mostly useless information!). In fact, this trait is to
be admired;
there is even a group in the Bible that was noted for this
called the
Bereans. But the problem arises when this formula starts being
practiced,
bible knowledge = spiritual maturity. Sometimes it does match,
but often
there is little or no connection. A case study once again is the
Pharisees.
Nicodemus was one of those Pharisees, who later turned out good,
but came to
Jesus as an advanced, teacher and rabbi thinking he'll have a
good
theological discussion. Instead, Jesus ends up trying to teach
him the
a-b-c's and very basics of the gospel, prompting Jesus to say,
“you’re a
respected teacher of Israel and you don't know these
basics?" Ouch!!!!! A
much better approach to come to Jesus is always the Sgt Shultz
maneuver...."I KNOW NOTHING....NOTHING!"
9. BEING HEAVILY OPINIONATED AND DOGMATIC
Yes, I am aware of that verse,” the righteous are as bold as a
lion".....but
in context of the entirety of scripture, they also should be as
flexible as
a rubber band! Again, I do not imply that we should ever
compromise any
clear biblical teaching or principle. I am extremely opinionated
and
dogmatic on the subject of salvation is by grace through faith
in Jesus, and
a few other black and white issues, but beyond that it is always
best to be
open and understand that just maybe.....maybe....we can
sometimes get our
theology mixed up. Or maybe that's just me....sorry, ignore this
point!
10. CHURCHIANITY
I am still running from churchianity....and seeking to more
fully embrace
Christianity. Although they may look similar, there is a vast
difference.
here are just a few contrasts:
Churchianity- God-in-a-box, Christian subculture, living too
safe in a sheep
pen. favorite hymn- A mighty Fortress is our church!
Christianity- God-on-the-loose, heaven in the real world,
fearless faith,
and favorite hymn- This is my Father's World!
Having previously exhibited all these qualities, and having
spent considerable time
around other church leaders who were also infected, I'd like to
make the following
observations:
When church leaders display and begin to reveal any or all of
these qualities, one of two things begin to happen to the people
under their care:
1. People get turned off and they cease to grow spiritually.
They become frustrated and disillusioned and become hurt. Many
real needs go unmet and in return many church members cease
reaching out to others for help in shame at their own
shortcomings, and ultimately end up leaving the church, usually
being labeled as non-committed, and rebellious.
2. People morph into the same mindset of their dysfunctional
leaders like being slowly sucked into a black hole. Each one
attempts in his/her own way to become a carbon copy of their
fearless leader, but underneath their again is frustration and
no spiritual growth, although the outward appearance may be of
intense spiritual discipleship. Image becomes everything to
maintain good standing, pride reigns, grace leaves; spirituality
is like leaven...inflated, but no real substance.
TEN THINGS I HAVE EMBRACED, AND BY GOD'S GRACE WILL
CLING TO TIGHTLY:
1. GRACE
It may seem odd to say that we have embraced grace, after being
saved by grace, teaching it for years as a Christ follower, but
actually it was something new. Somehow amid all the previously
things mentioned, grace became a class room principle and
distant memory. It is rightly called a "grace awakening"! Yes, I
ran toward it...and am still running in its direction!
2. SIMPLICITY
Before God's grace awakening came, so many things seemed to
become very complicated. Prayer time, Bible study, evangelism
and discipleship, they all became rigid harsh tasks with
accolades for any advancement, and stinging guilt for messing
up. One verse kept hitting me between the eyes back then, and
still does today; "But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent
deceived Eve, by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted
from the simplicity that is in Christ." II Cor. 11:3 NKJV
3. LOVE EXPRESSED IN PRACTICAL LIVING
Like God's grace, His love also became more of a theological
truth than a practical reality. Just how that happened I have no
idea, but I thank God for his rescue! "Knowledge puffs up but
love edifies" I Cor. 8:1 NKJV Also a few chapters later, "no
matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt
without love" I Cor. 13:2 The Message
4. MERCY AND COMPASSION
Under the banner of biblical truth and no compromise, it's easy
to plow through the garden of mercy and compassion with a
bulldozer! Jesus never compromised even once, He always stood
for truth, even calling Himself,” The Truth", yet he also was
the personification of all of God's mercy, love, grace and
compassion. How did he perfectly blend the two? It says in the
first chapter of John's gospel that Jesus came in "grace and
truth". Usually we major in one or the other, that's why we need
Him everyday, all of his grace and truth; otherwise we easily
become unbalanced...
5. TOLERANCE WITHOUT COMPROMISE
This is very similar to mercy and compassion, but requires a
look by itself. When a person has a grace awakening, the usual
critical response from certain camps is; "all he talks about is
grace", "he compromises the Word of God", "it's all just grace,
he doesn't stand for the truth anymore", "he's using grace as an
excuse to get away with sin". While sometimes there may be some
truth in these accusations, be very careful about such
statements! God's grace is radical! It can look like compromise
and a watering down of truth, when in actual reality it may be
just the opposite. Remember that Jesus himself was accused of
some of these very things by healing on the Sabbath, and by the
company he chose to keep.
6. A NEW AWARENESS OF GOD'S PRESENCE
If you've come this far with me, maybe you'll allow me to
recommend a book that has helped me, and thousands through the
years; "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence. It
is very short and partly consists of his own brief letters to
others, but well worth reading. You can even find it posted free
over the internet if you care to try searching for it. Simply
put, God's presence, and our awareness of it, should never be
compartmentalized into a secular-sacred, church-world division,
God is much bigger than that, and He's out of the box!
7. TRUE LIBERTY AND FREEDOM
The scriptures say that where the Spirit of the Lord is there is
freedom, and that certainly implies that where God's Spirit is
not, freedom will also not be found. While God's Spirit and
presence is everywhere in a general sense, it reigns and lives
in and among Christ followers, His children. However even saved
people can become bound up in terrible misconceptions of God and
sacrifice much of their freedom and liberty. The story of
Lazarus, a saved person, risen from the dead, yet initially
still all bound up until Jesus spoke the word to let him go,
makes for a compelling metaphor.
8. AN ACCEPTANCE OF OURSELVES
Brennan Manning is fond of saying," God loves you for who you
are, not for who you should be". Nearly all his books reflect
that truth which should be something that we know and live by
daily. There are many people, and an alarming amount of pastors
and church leaders, who admit to being terribly insecure. While
new Christians can hear such confessions and think how humble
their leaders are, in reality, insecurity is often just inverted
pride and ego. I am not a trained psychologist, but as a
recovering church-oholic, I have seen this problem first hand and
up close in others, and myself. God wants us to have a healthy
humility that also accepts us for who we are, with all our sin
and faults, yet trusts in God to lead us onward in His grace.
9. GOD IS BIGGER THAN ____________________ (FILL IN THE BLANK)
There is a popular praise chorus called, "My Glorious", where
the chorus goes," God is bigger than the air I breathe...."
While that is true, I have come to the conclusion that God is
really bigger than anything I can possibly think of, or just
fill in the blank! God is also bigger than any church,
denomination, method, style, or ministry. I, like all good
church leaders, agreed with that statement many years ago, only
now it's not just in theory, but in practice.
10. FLEXIBILITY
Blessed are the flexible...for they shall not be bent out of
shape! That statement is not in the Bible, but it should be!
It's not there as a written verse, but it certainly is all
through the Bible in principle. Flexibility is the oil of grace!
Being flexible means often admitting mistakes, it means being
open to new ways of doing things, especially ministry. It means
that God is constantly at work doing things in ways that may,
and often do, go far beyond my current understanding and
theology. Being flexible also means to not only realize that,
but being open and ready to change direction, style, or any
plans if it is deemed to be a divine directive.
Although by God's grace I am no longer addicted to
church, like alcoholics, I will always remain a
recovering churchoholic. I
hope my words have been an encouragement, blessing, and possibly
a light of hope if you have found yourself in a similar
addiction. Also, I think it is important to note that this
cyber-study was in no way intended to promote a church exodus
for anyone, or was it intended to instill ecclesia phobia (the
fear of church). But rather its intent was to simply offer
reflections from someone who was rescued by God's grace, in hope
of bringing restoration back to relationship with God, and
others within the Christian community.
It may be that a little bumper sticker theology sums it up
best;
* He died to take away your sins.....not your mind.
* Lord...save me from your followers!
Grace & peace, John Boda
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